all the beautiful things that make people weep don't have to make you weak

Oh how life has changed since that last post. I am happy, life is happy, and everything is going my way. I'm in Australia, which is great, but I'm also excited to be back at MSU for my final semester. Oh holy shit I'm getting old.

<3

I've seen it all before, in movies of myself

It's official, I'm out of my mind.

I like having a rein on my emotions. I know why I feel what I feel, I just wish it wasn't so. Sometimes I think it's easier to deal with the regrets and emotions if you just ignore their true meaning, and go with the temporary solution and deal with the consequences later. I hate feeling needy, I hate feeling like I need outside validation, but it's so goddamn obvious to me that's the center of where I'm at.

I think Lance was right when he said that we are hard people to love because we punish those that love us. I guess I've just always needed someone to try really hard for me, to prove themselves worthy. But who says I'm anything great that should be worth all that? Nothing in my history says that anyone will ever be willing to do that, and no one should have to.

Soon I'll be gone from here. But isn't that always the excuse? Why is it that travel and adventure, things I am so fond of, tend to ruin my close relationships?

I suppose I just need to find someone to ride at my chosen speed.

surreal

With my visa and housing applications both pending, and little else to be done except to pack up my room, earn a bit more money, and hop on a plane, needless to say I'm a little awestruck that it's all just working out fabulously. Granted, I'm poor as shit and have like 2G on my credit card (having never before used a credit card, this is daunting to me) and will no doubt be jetting off with little in the way of spending cash. I can't believe it's really happening!

I've just finished reading my wisely purchased book on Australia (must see Cairns! and the tingle trees! and the ancient rock growth! and the Great Barrier Reef!) and I can already say I will not be able to see all that I want there, but goodness I'll sure try.

I have begun packing up things unnecessary to my June survival, most notably my books. This of course led me to reading an old journal. There was one passage in particular that drew me; it was about how I wanted to make the most of my life and of my most fervent desire to never have to say "I wish I would've". I'm just so proud of myself for continuing this mindset that I forgot I've even had for that long. Here's to keeping up the adventurous life!

21 and fearless

The big b-day is fast approaching. I have to work a ridiculous amount tomorrow, but after 9:30, festivities begin. Here's the agenda:

Wednesday night cocktail party: guests include me and Shannon and some party dresses. Obviously you should come too.

Big Day plans:
perhaps a research meeting? booo
party dress shopping
gettin' inked
drinking avec lovely friends at the bar!

Alicia: Circus Performer

I feel that I must become a professional juggler. It's the only way I'll make it --sanity intact-- to the end of the semester. How to balance the exams to study for, the papers to write, the projects to have group meetings about and organize, the sleepovers, the mid-week drinking parties, the tv shows, the frisbee practices and the tournaments, the doctor's appointments and basketball games and concerts....

At least I have the fun things to try to juggle in-- I'll just throw them up and hope they fall in the right places and the right intervals, so that I can also get things done.

That being said, life is pretty damn good right now. We had an impromptu get-together last night to celebrate the Couchers' tournament win. Crazy times on a Sunday night.

This upcoming weekend is Easter, and while I have no egg hunts to participate in, easter dress to wear, or mass to attend; I will see my nearest and dearest friendlies and very likely pour our souls onto driveways and into coffee mugs just like the old days.

It's not that I miss home, particularly, just the people. I've always been that way. A place can be important, but while I feel a tie (who could forget the Tridge? Or those soccer fields or Espresso Milano?) I am not TIED. I don't need to be in a particular place to be me, or to feel at home. Maybe that's why I like traveling so much? I think I even tend to be MORE myself in different places, where I can write and explore and think...

A fabulous tangent, but it's time to barista for a few hours before hitting the books. Tomorrow I am seeing Ben Folds, and the day after I am going to watch the Pistons vs. the Bulls avec mon pere. What a great week. :)

let the wild rumpus begin

I saw Where The Wild Things Are ballet-style tonight. It was awesome.

I am getting increasingly apathetic about schoolwork. ...Eh.

All I want to do is play outside, hang out with friends, and sleep.

I'm getting x-rays of my knees soon. I am rather scared it's something that will need surgery.

I miss Midland kids. Talking out life would be good. We need to play soon. Everyone coming for Easter, I hope?


Je vous adore, mes amis.

this is the countdown

I'm starting the countdown early, because I need something concrete to look at and know I'm making progress. Bear with me, loves, it's a rough semester.

2 human sexuality exams
1 comm. in close relationships exam
2 dark side exams
2 gender comm. exams
1 persuasion exam
8-10 pg honors human sex. paper
8-10 page dark side research proposal
comm. in close relationships research article review (length?)
persuasion project, who the fuck know how long (presentation and paper? idk)
open water dives for scuba certification
4 frisbee tournaments
get classes (something? anything?) approved for Australia
take practice GRE. bang head on wall. decide to forgo PhD. Take REAL GRE. Proceed to die. PhD or bust!



it all sounds so do-able, till I remember that going to 18 credits worth of classes, 3 credits worth of experimentering, 24 hours of coffee barista-ing, 4 hours of lifeguarding, 4 hours of friz practice, and no open weekends means that there IS NO TIME.

....balls.

je vous adore, mes amours. see ya never ;)

back in action

Tybee Island... once again, insanity. I think we drank enough each night to kill someone of lesser stamina, but let's be serious, we're Michigan State students. It was a good time, but now it is time to let my body recover, and feel a whole different kind of stress.

I came back in a really good mood. I slept a lot, wrote a paper and went running. I had the pleasant surprise of an 88% on an exam I was *hoping* to not fail. I really couldn't tell you how I pulled that one out.

I'll probably do terribly on the paper I wrote yesterday, to make up for it.

I have no life starting now. Sort of. I have three exams in the next two weeks, and the experiment that I am a research assistant for is running. I'll be working in the lab, at the coffee shop, and at the pool, on top of my 18 credits. Oh boy. At least I'll have time on St. Patrick's Day to drink, after 6, even though I'm super poor and will unlikely be able to savor Bailey's Mint as was my plan. Such is life.

Back to the grind. This week is my first ever exam in persuasion, so I want to get a good grade on the midterm to save myself extra work and stress for the final. Liiiife.

my insanely fucked up dream

I went fishing, with my "grandpa" (didn't look like anybody I've ever met) and some others, except instead of being in a boat, we were in the water. I hooked a big fish, and got dragged halfway across the lake. It seemed like Lake George (the lake my cabin is on), but the water was too clear, so I don't know. Anyhow, I landed the fish and for some reason held onto it by a little bit of fishing wire, and dragged it around for awhile. My "grandpa" offered to prepare my fish for me.

Somehow we got back to the house (it looked like my mom's house, only Levi's bedroom was the kitchen?) and here's where it gets FUCKED UP.

Somewhere between the lake and the house (I don't remember changing locations) the fish became a dog. A really really cute dog of a variety I will not say because it's so sad. The dog still had a hook in it's mouth, but I started to LOVE THAT DOG, so I tried to help him. He ended up getting the hook out himself, and we played in my old room (Jordan's room) and I busied myself with puppy-proofing the room.

All of a sudden I realized the puppy had disappeared, and I made my way to the kitchen (Levi's room?) where I discovered with horror that my "grandpa" had disobeyed my wishes to "keep the fish" (puppy?!?) and was holding the puppy upside-down in a pot of boiling water. I started sobbing and asking WHYYY and basically went insane, so my "grandpa" put the puppy back on the ground, where it couldn't stand up.

"Is he going to be ok??!?" I stammered out through my sobbing.
"I don't think so," said the grandpa, without a hint of remorse.


Aaaand my alarm goes off. Now I know that dreams of this variety are often random nerve impulses and electrical activity with some familiar imagery thrown in, but I can't help but be disturbed by what my brain will come up with in the deepest of sleep.

when religion and filmmaking collide

James Cameron has found Jesus.

I feel like a quote out of context

My post got stuck on underline for the longest time, and I couldn't find the button so I just had to edit the html. Thank goodness for being a big loser back in the day so I had time to screw around on computers and web sites and learn elementary code.

A tangent in the first paragraph, Alicia HONESTLY. C'est la vie.

I've not been very fond of schoolwork lately. I go in cycles of achievement apathy, and I'm in a downward spiral right now. That's not to say I don't care about grades, because I still do, and I will likely study my ass off when it gets down to the wire, but for the meantime I'd rather look up new music, read interesting books, and plan adventures. Tonight I saw some jazz avec the Minge. It was fabulous, we have some talented musicians in the college of music.

Now I must study, so that I don't fail my midterm in close relationships. <3

edit!

Yeahh... studying didn't happen.

In other news, I started work at a coffeehouse, and it's pretty fantastic. I like the pace of work, probably because I've been a lifeguard for FAR TOO LONG. The only thing that bugs me is the uniform, because I like to be a little more individual than that, but I understand that health codes must be followed, and in a chain store there also much be uniformity. It doesn't mean I like it, though. :) On the upside, I know pretty much everything there is to know about that particular brand of coffee, and can spout off a long line of ridiculous facts about coffee beans, the roasting and brewing process, and the making of specialty drinks. I'm very glad the human brain does not seem to have a set limit for the amount of information it can hold, because between these coffee facts and my ridiculous affinity for song lyrics, I would scarcely have room for college knowledge. (oh man, best rhyme ever)

I was ridiculed for my photo in my glasses on facebook, so I thought I'd put it on my blog, which I only know of 2 people who read, so nobody will make fun of me here. Sometimes it's fun to wear the glasses and not smile. Sometimes. It can't be too emo, I'm still looking at the camera!

And now I really need to sleep, and quit wasting time on the internet. Oh internet, I love you.

i could be brown, i could be blue....

Mood is a funny thing, it can be affected by so many factors. Today I was in a good mood for quite a few reasons. First, the weather. SERIOUSLY Michigan, you are out of your goddamned gourd with all this temperature changing, but I like a week where I can snowboard and a few days later wear a light jacket to class... so no complaints. The new Shins cd is bringing untold amounts of joy into life, as is 3hive.com. Seriously. Music is love.

I had a conversation today with the girl I drive to Honors x Two every week, in which we both discovered we love catchy songs. Groundbreaking, I know, who the hell likes catchy songs?! However, it was the SAME TYPE. I love making mix cds (and by love, I mean seriously, really obsessed), and she's totally getting a good one. Nothing made me happier than the day she told me she looks forward to our car rides because I'm always playing awesome music. I think being told you have good taste is pretty much universally a fantastic compliment.

Honors x Two is actually going really well. I though I would be a terrible mentor, and not have enough to say to the kid about whatever we're working on, or she would think my project ideas were lame, but we are making great progress. She's writing a story about Hawaii, and her use of visual imagery and varied sentence structure is phenomenal at this point. Kids are great.

I got a new orange jacket, and as I wore it today with my zebra shoes and white sunglasses, I realized I looked like a reject extra from a bad Japanese motorcycle movie. Liiife. I think I might just have to stick to my usual wardrobe of black. And more black.

For my Dark Side class I'm doing an analysis of dark side topics as portrayed in the O.C. This solidifies the widely-held belief that I am in fact, not a real student at MSU, and just make my own curriculum based on my everchanging whims. See: the trout dance.

As usual, I have digressed.

Final advice: Listen to 'Australia' by the Shins. La fin.

Addendum: I believe I could eat Lucky Charms with Rice Dream for every meal and be completely happy. <3

aaaannndddd GO!

The Rush

That feeling that starts deep inside, moving up from your stomach to your throat to your head. The feeling of elation that accompanies it, almost a tightness, a trembling anticipation. That feeling that causes you to rock out with reckless abandon, singing aloud to Ok Go, not caring who hears or how they are judging you. If they knew what you were feeling, they'd be jealous

What causes this, for me? Snowboarding. Acing exams. Playing ultimate. Rock climbing. A staggering feeling of accomplishment. Music Music Music. Falling in love. Flying in airplanes. Looking out over mountains. Connecting with people. A great novel. Art. The vast beauty of nature.

... I could go on forever.

Today I feel like I aced two exams. I'm about to embark on an adventure with some of my favorite people to a place I've never been. I'm about to play some sweet ultimate. Life is looking up, and I couldn't be happier.

Men can have movements too...

In my gender communication class we have been learning about men's movements in recent history. When talking about sex movements in history, everyone naturally assumes they are speaking about feminist movements and all their familiar trappings, but oh, these men's movements are something ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.

Some of the movements were directed to oppose feminism, some were directed to help men become better fathers, husbands and communicators. My favorite, however, are the Mythopoetic Men.

Mythopoetic men were focused on what they believed to be two fundamental problems with modern "soft" men. First, the loss of the connection to the land, and second, the loss of connection to the father.

Mythopoetic men were after a concept called "communitas" with other men. Not quite a community, because they all went back to their "normal lives" after the meetings and retreats, but a feeling of togetherness, a maleness. Borrowing largely from Native American culture in their retreats, Mythopoetic men burned sage to create a ritual space, and participated in drumming and sweat lodges, for a few examples. One particular group of these men held a retreat where they split into three "clans". The Trout, the Ravens, and the Eagles. The final task of the retreat, for the men to truly come together and feel "spontaneous communitas" by correographing a dance to go with their clan name, to a drum beat.

I cannot relay in words how incredibly hilarious it was when my professor attempted to demonstrate the Trout Dance. There. are. no. words.

I love my major.

it's true, I'm creepy

In the shower tonight, I got to thinking. (sex in the city reference, anyone? anyone?).... anyhow, I was thinking... why am I such a creep?
To put it into context, let me admit, I do *on occasion* or perhaps *more than a little* read the weblogs of strangers. It began with a few very witty strangers with very interesting lives. Or perhaps not that interesting of daily lives, but very different cultural or geographical experiences than my own.
I could analyze it with a simple "I'm very interested in people", which would technically be true. I am a communication major and my favorite books are those with EXCELLENT characterization. However, upon comparing them to the books I read, I realized something.
In every great book, there is invariably an ending. Often it is tidy, brings some conflict to rest or preaches a moral standard. Whatever. In any case, they end, and I am often devastated. But... these people, their lives.... they MUST KEEP GOING! Nobody reaches some kind of stopping place and just... stops. I realize books are a "window" and I should enjoy them as such, but with the advent of the internet, I am now satisfied.

Real people, real lives, never ending.

While they may hit road bumps, minor conflicts that end up resolving themselves or perhaps huge life changing crises, life still goes on. People grow, they change, and I get to read about them for YEARS. Not days (or hours, as my reading habits often do not allow a book to remain unfinished), but literally, they just live. And write. And I get to see it all unfold.

The moral of this story: I may be a creep, but I really enjoy a good story.

everybody hurts sometimes

I am learning many things this semester:

- The Decemberists are god-like
- Drinking on Monday will TOTALLY ruin Tuesday
- Girl parts. I should have already known these. Now, for Human Sexuality class, I do.
- There is no better way to spend a Saturday than watching frisbee, shopping and the OG.
- To a 4th grade girl, I'm about as cool as it gets. Probably because I still wear sparkly headbands. Too bad the world isn't run by 4th graders.
- Running in the snow isn't that bad, even with a Tuesday hangover.
- You can be lonely with a room full of people.
- Everyone needs a Lance.
- You can never snowboard TOO MUCH.
- Long blonde hair will get you checked out more often than short blonde hair.
- Getting checked out does not equate to going on dates.
- Socially awkward boys in corduroys will never make the first move.
- It really sucks to be attracted to socially awkward boys in corduroys.

we were born to sin

Viva la update, am I right?

Well it's certainly been a whirlwind. I am beginning to believe college lasts for an extended blink, and then it's gone. I know I've grown and changed and I still haven't arrived at where I want to be yet, but the journey is oh so much fun.

This weekend I went to Ann Arbor with a few of my favorite ladies and watched the Burning Couch play some friz. It was really fun, got to see Stewy, ate at the OG and bought a couple see-through shirts. Hot.


I'm busy working away feverishly at getting everything ready for my semester in Australia. If I get it all done right away I will rest a lot easier. I feel so overwhelmed with everything right now, but I know all the planning and busy bee-ing will be so worth it when I am relaxing, scuba diving, chillin with Aussies, surfing and taking the minimum of credits allowed. Sweet life!

I'll be starting an independent study here pretty soon, with a masters student. I wanted to see what it was like to study Communication as a masters student, and get a little more experience with the research side of things. I detailed my plan to Alex tonight over coffee, and her reaction made me really happy. I like it when people think what I want to do fits with who I am. I need friends sometimes to give a good outside perspective. I think sometimes we don't always know ourselves without looking at someone else's view from time to time.

Well, that's pretty much life. Busy, fun, feels like a holding pattern at the moment. My semester goal is to maintain my GPA and visit the Ohio boys. Big and bold goals. I think I can do it! Oh, and not to run out of money. Goodness. This summer will have to be filled with money-making for Australia.

Aaaand I run out of steam. I had some pretty profound things to say earlier today, but I lose sentences when I don't write them down right away. I should walk around with a notebook.

don't let your dreams be dreams

In the frenzied pace of my new days, I have found very little time for writing. This saddens me, as I hoped this semester I would begin The Book. I don't think I'll have time to write that much. Perhaps I will try to outline something.

In the meantime, I'm busying myself with a great many pursuits. Ultimate frisbee is reaching a fever pitch here at State, with our Vegas trip on the horizon, and spring break, sectionals and regionals to look forward to. I had my intro meeting for my open water dives for my final scuba certification today, and it seems that we are certifying in a virtual scuba fun park! We will be diving at a quarry lake in Ohio complete with sunken schoolbus, airplane, obstacles courses with hoops and other such fun things and gigantic trout with frenzied desire for interaction with divers! Insanity. I think it will be fun, although honestly, the trout are going to scare the bejesus out of me until I'm used to it.

In other news, I'm toying with a New Life Plan that sounds much nicer than my previous "bachelor in comm/PR and some entry level PR job, scraping my way to the top". I am pleased to report I am thinking of pursuing my masters degree here at State (I mean... I could play another year of ultimate...) and then head off to another university to rock out a PhD and have an exciting adventure in education. I would love to be a professor, and it would be a job I could have anywhere, opening up a lot of options for life. I love it when life has lots of options, especially when it leaves room for adventures.

Aaaand I digress. As usual I have drifted off into the land of doing other things and got distracted. Another time for more posting, I suppose.

(boarding pic... hardcore right? haha)